(TangentialTopic) Fauxmosexual?

[pepejose]

It's a personal story but it would help me shed some light on a puzzling matter.

My ex-gf was someone who could use the "it's complicated" relationship status as an answer to her gender. She had 4 serious relationships before me and another one afterwards, and every single one of them was with men. And yet, she defines herself as a lesbian. She seemed to prefer to have flings with girls but somehow she only fell for men, or at least that was how she told the story.

Our break-up was peaceful and I tried to be friends with her. It should have been pretty clear that I still had some feelings for her when, after almost a year, I hadn't even tried anything with anyone else. On new year's eve, 9 months after our breakup (even though we still had sex occasionally), she was determined to come to a private party I organized with my friends (people she didn't really know very well) and soon after the party started she hooked up with a random guy she just met because "I wasn't paying attention to her". And, of course, she still called herself a lesbian and assured me she could only be attracted to a man if she had deep feelings towards him.

As you may understand, our post-break-up was anything but peaceful and at some point, after I told her I wanted to stop being friends because she didn't seem to have any empathy towards me, she reproached me "she had given up her sexuality just to be with me". And I may be somewhat simple when it comes to this but something you seem to give up on a regular basis doesn't seem to be something you value that much, or at all.

She also used to be jealous of any woman that showed any kind of interest on me and she behaved, in general, in ways I still can't understand and seemed to lack any kind of respect towards my feelings... But she also was an important part of my life during a long time, so now I'm considering if I should try to be friends again with her.

I'm a boring heterosexual guy so her behaviour seems incomprehensible to me. Can someone try to make some sense of this and justify it in some way? Because from my perspective this doesn't seem like a case of having difficulties with her sexual identity and more like a case of her being a b***h and having me as some sort of emotional crutch/backup boyfriend.

Sorry for the personal rant :/

[Lia S]

Because from my perspective this doesn't seem like a case of having difficulties with her sexual identity and more like a case of her being a b***h and having me as some sort of emotional crutch/backup boyfriend.

The way I see it, if someone is unable to explain themselves to you or unwilling to take the time to do so, then the decision to spend time and energy on them depends on your interpretation of their behaviour only.

Also, caring about someone who makes you unhappy is something you do to yourself, not something they do to you. Don't. You're not Jesus so you don't have to let anyone nail you to any metaphorical piece of wood (literal goes without saying).

[FlyingFish]

There's one thing I will criticize you for, and it has nothing to do with her sexual identity: you shouldn't have sex with someone after a breakup. You may have considered it a casual fling, but lots of people, not just her, would interpret it as "we're still together." Especially when you add in that you were NOT dating anyone else during the same period. So I'm not surprised that she assumed as much, and showed desire for your attention at that party and elsewhere.

But regardless, she's got some sexual identity issues, among others, and you shouldn't feel obligated to fix what you didn't break and what requires a good therapist at minimum anyway. Break it off (and do so cleanly!) Maybe when she has her house in order you can establish a healthier friendship, but not now.

[Zogwarg Queen]

You have absolutely NO obligation to be friends with someone simply because, at one point, you cared for them and they were an important part of your life. What's important is how they make you feel now, and if the answer to that is "consistently unhappy", then it seems to me that there's little point to it.

As for her sexual identity, that's her mess to figure out. Some people like a label and image more than they actually like the lifestyle that comes with it, and it sounds like that's the case for her. As a bisexual who has tried identifying as lesbian and disliked the way I was looked at when identifying as bisexual, I could possibly understand or at least speculate as to what it's all about, but ultimately, I really don't know her and these things are complicated. She is completely out of line getting angry with you for somehow making her "give up" her sexual identity for you, though. Unless I'm missing something here, you hardly put a gun to her head. Sounds more like she's annoyed with herself for having feelings that don't match the identity she wants to portray, and is looking to assign blame.

[pepejose]

Actually, after our breakup I moved to another city 500 miles away for work reasons and we didn't see each other in 6 months. We only had sex after she insisted in visiting me even though I was against it. And no, it wasn't a casual fling for me, I find it impossible to have sex with someone I don't have feelings for and I told her so.

So yeah, we weren't really together but that was only because whenever she wanted to get back together she did it by saying things like "Being a lesbian is too hard, maybe I should just find a normal geeky guy who isn't too annoying". That's really not the best way to make someone feel appreciated.

And yeah, nobody is forcing me to be friends with her, I just miss the funny, inteligent and caring girl she was when we were a couple. I don't know what happened afterwards, I really don't know how she became like this so quickly. And I know the logical thing would be to stop talking to her since she has become such a toxic figure in my life but “the heart has reasons that reason does not understand.”

Regarding her sexual identity it seems the main reason she is not trying to be a lesbian anymore is because she said most lesbians she found were insane and because she felt too much social pressure. I don't know what she's thinking, not anymore, but I'd say your sexual identity is not something you try but something that's an essential part of who you are.

Frankly, this is just a big headache. I've tried to understand her but I don't think I can do it anymore since she doesn't seem to understand herself. Thanks for listening, anyway, I know this is terribly whiny coming from a complete stranger but it's difficult to talk about this issue with my close friends, we may have stopped being friends but I don't want them to think badly of her.

[Valerie]

more like a case of her being a b***h and having me as some sort of emotional crutch/backup boyfriend.

Sorry for the personal rant :/

Oh, phew, I'm glad you said something, because I didn't wa-- *ahem*

And dude, don't be sorry. Have you seen this forum? We have an entire thread dedicated to bad days.

It sounds like she's... not really sure where she falls on the sexual orientation spectrum, but that she's grabbing for a label without really taking the time to think about whether it suits her. And let's be fair to her, sexual orientation labels are complicated and not accurate for everyone. If she's physically attracted to women without needing an emotional attachment, that tells me she's gay as far as the ladies go. If she needs an emotional attachment to be attracted to a man, it sounds like she's demisexual when it comes to the gents. Is there a name for that combination? I don't know. "Bisexual" is probably the closest she'll get. She could also consider herself a "lesbian with exceptions."

In the end, how she defines herself and whether she defines herself at all is up to her. She sounds like she's confused and trying to find the right word, and that's just something that's going to take time and research on her part.

As for your part in this, it sounds like she's got way too much to figure out right now for you to pursue any kind of real relationship with her. Let her cross her t's and dot her i's on her own. She's a big girl.

And again, don't worry about sounding whiny to us. I made a whole post dedicated to how I had to work on Saturday last week.

[Freemage]

Okay.

1: I am not in any way a trained professional at this sort of thing. I've got some life-experience as an inveterate people-watcher, and that's about it.
2: I'm three degrees of removal from this person, at this point (her to you, you to the internet, the internet to us, and yes that last one IS a degree of removal and a lot of bad advice I've seen posted on internet forums stems from people forgetting that fact).

That said:

Honestly, it sounds like she's genuinely bisexual, but as you note, with girls it's more for flings (I briefly dated a girl with a similar approach, but a bit more honesty about the subject--she enjoyed the flings, but she had no long-term desire for a solid relationship with a woman). I've also got a hunch she's not naturally inclined towards monogamy, but has incorporated the notion that she SHOULD be, especially in het relationships, and so tries to go that route. This creates cognitive dissonance, which along with the CD stemming from her attempt to fit her sexuality into a conveniently labelled box, induces a lot of self-destructive behavior.

Short form? ISSUES. This doesn't mean you're wrong for wanting the friendship you once had with her back. It DOES mean that getting that relationship will take a lot of resolve on your part. In essence, you need to set some hard, clear boundaries with her, lit up with neon signs and klaxons, and any time she crosses the boundary, firmly (if gently) move her back outside that zone again. Tell her if she can't respect those lines, that it's just too emotionally disruptive for you to keep the friendship. Then let HER decide, by her actions, if the friendship is worth keeping.

[Ollie]

sounds to me like the best course of action would be to drop her like a hot potato. If all there is to this story is what you told us, she's just gonna keep fucking with your head until she figures out where her own is.

As you said, she doesn't behave the same way as when you were dating. Unless this woman shits out diamonds and shares them liberally with her friends, I'd have to question why it's even worth keeping her friendship.

[Trefle]

Separate the identity part from the equation for a while; it would seem that the problem of her identity and the problem of her relationship with you aren't the same; although they were obviously related.

I agreed with Valerie that sexuality and attraction sometimes can be very liquid, and it would seem that this is the case. To put it simply, she seems to require less.....factor to be attracted to a female, as opposed to a male?

Within that in play, I would assume that she has consciously / unconsciously invested more feelings when it comes to you, as opposed to other females. Which may have explains why her past relationships have always been with men; perhaps, a somewhat tricky perception that 'Male attraction >> more feelings invested >> BETTER'.
However;
her clinginess, overall sense of jealousy and -- overall attitude is another matter that can not be entirely blamed on her sexuality and/or confusion. And if she shot those sort of arguments on why she wasn't a lesbian anymore...well. That also says something.

My suggestion would be similar to others; draw your lines and enforce them, while still being courteous and respectful to her. The rest is her path to grow.

[NobodySpecial]

My advice? Use a hacksaw to start. Filleting knife as you get the pieces smaller. Hydrochloric acid in the bathtub drain. Make sure to powder the teeth first with a hammer, no need for extra evidence floating around.

[Ollie]

My advice? Use a hacksaw to start. Filleting knife as you get the pieces smaller. Hydrochloric acid in the bathtub drain. Make sure to powder the teeth first with a hammer, no need for extra evidence floating around.

...

okay, I haven't been to this forum in a few days, but I don't really understand why no one reacted to this post suggesting, humorously or not, that the OP gruesomely murder his ex-girlfriend.

[retrophrenologist]

Maybe because everyone realized it was a joke?

But here, let me:

NOBODYSPECIAL YOU SHOUD NOT SAY SUCH THIGNS YOU AR A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!!!11!!!ONE!!!

How's that?

[Artemisia]

If I had seen it before now, I would have said something about hiding the body in the back woods of Vermont.

[Ollie]

Maybe because everyone realized it was a joke?

Domestic violence is funny?

[pepejose]

Maybe because everyone realized it was a joke?

Domestic violence is funny?

Yep, nothing like a good old gruesome beating to lighten the mood.