The unofficial bad day thread.

[grimmi05]

Well, that's what I've been doing, and what I'll probably -keep- doing.

I know... believe me, I know. I just wish I could be there.

EDIT: I too somewhat think that. I don't really want to self-diagnose, though.

I'm not totally sure on this, but I think you kind of have to - I think the patient has to broach this particular topic.

I think it's kind of ironic I can announce this to everyone on this forum but can't even talk about it with people I know.

It's not so much that as I just don't want to go around thinking I'm dysphoric or depressed or whatever if I'm not. Plus, I'm not seeing a psychologist/therapist/whatever you want to call them (even though it had been suggested to me before.) Maybe I'm too self-reliant... I guess I want to figure things out on my own, since only I would know the best way for me to work past my problems...

It really isn't ironic. Its just some people find it easier to open up to people when they can't see their faces in real time. Just a odd facet of life.

While I am not telling you to see a therapist or whatever, it might be helpful because they can give you a idea of what you are going through and suggest ways to help.

I am also new to the forum, though I have lurked quite a bit in the past. So to one Newb to another, welcome!

[Mr. Brightside]

Yeah, I remember my teen years, when I would escape into the Internet - the rise of social media blurring the lines hit hard.

[Artemisia]

I'm not a teenager, and yet this is easier for me.

[Mr. Brightside]

The point was just that the Internet was much different then - fora like these and the already-dying Usenet were pretty much as "Web 2.0" as it got.

[Doc Harleen]

Trefle and Artemisia - thanks for the kind words. Honestly, Trefle, I think you got it right with the self confidence bit. I have times where I just can't stand myself, and this morning was like that. I had therapy this afternoon and am feeling a bit better. I just have my own old damage that I've got to get over, which has a lot to do with why I assume people don't/won't like me. But it'll be cool. I don't think I'm much worse than just socially awkward in certain scenarios, but I've been needing to boost my confidence, certainly.

Otaking and konaa - I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's going on with you guys. I'm thinking of both of you and I hope that everything starts getting better. As always, *hugs*. And welcome to the board, konaa. Seriously, this place is so great.

I'll be studying for the rest of the night, but I'm going to post on the happy thread first, because I am trying to be a more positive person (though it's tricky) and that'll balance me out.

[Otaking]

I'm tired of pretending I still think it all matters. I'm tired of acting like I agree with my parents, even when they have beliefs that are wrong. I live my life in fear. I fear that if I ever tell anyone what I'm really feeling, that I'm actually bisexual, that I hold the beliefs I do, they'll judge me and hate me. I'm just sick of all the injustice. I lie to everyone on a daily basis. I answer my parents' questions evasively. I never tell anyone the full truth because I'm afraid to trust in people. I'm afraid of how they'll react.
My parents unknowingly had a hand in causing these feelings, all through my life. And I never told them. I didn't want to make waves. Pretending had kept things stable, the way I like things. But this pretending, this shutting up, it's caused a lot of emotional and mental damage in me. Damage that I usually pretend isn't there.

I have a lot of similar issues with my family and this area. I have absolutely no doubt I'll be judged and hated right off the bat. I was kicked out of home for a few days for coming home with an earring. Luckily I was seeing a very nice girl at the time and stayed at her place. Good job there dad. I don't live in fear though because what isn't their business isn't their business. Of course it certainly helps if you support yourself and can keep your family at arm's length...like Go go gadget arm length...maybe Plastic Man's arm length....Mr. Fantastic arm length.... I digress! Religion got pushed on me a little too hard and they did find out I was an atheist though which is a fun filled few days and now and then, mostly on holidays.

I don't feel that I'm backing down from who I am but I've never been into sharing *any* of my relationships with my parents, traditional or alternative. Your sexuality is your own and you don't have to tell anyone jack and/or squat about it. Honestly if people are up in your business that hard, asking you questions that probing, about things that aren't really their business, they deserve to be lied to.

Lie to them with a clear conscience and a song in your heart knowing you subscribe to a higher standard of ethics than they do. We don't owe everyone knowledge about every facet of our existence so we can submit to their judgement on our life just because they ask...facebook be damned. There's a real difference between TACT given where it is owed and received where it is due and outright lying to people and there's no such thing as sin of omission in this case. Unless you're into something criminal like sheep or kids of course.

If you're having to fake it that hard, consider getting out on your own away from those people and getting to somewhere where you can be yourself. If you have a problem of acquiring means and support to do so consider working on that instead because you aren't likely to change all the people around you. If you can't trust those 'friends' consider downgrading them to acquaintances and trying again with some new friends somewhere else.

[konaa]

I have a lot of similar issues with my family and this area. I have absolutely no doubt I'll be judged and hated right off the bat. I was kicked out of home for a few days for coming home with an earring. Luckily I was seeing a very nice girl at the time and stayed at her place. Good job there dad. I don't live in fear though because what isn't their business isn't their business. Of course it certainly helps if you support yourself and can keep your family at arm's length...like Go go gadget arm length...maybe Plastic Man's arm length....Mr. Fantastic arm length.... I digress! Religion got pushed on me a little too hard and they did find out I was an atheist though which is a fun filled few days and now and then, mostly on holidays.

I don't feel that I'm backing down from who I am but I've never been into sharing *any* of my relationships with my parents, traditional or alternative. Your sexuality is your own and you don't have to tell anyone jack and/or squat about it. Honestly if people are up in your business that hard, asking you questions that probing, about things that aren't really their business, they deserve to be lied to.

Lie to them with a clear conscience and a song in your heart knowing you subscribe to a higher standard of ethics than they do. We don't owe everyone knowledge about every facet of our existence so we can submit to their judgement on our life just because they ask...facebook be damned. There's a real difference between TACT given where it is owed and received where it is due and outright lying to people and there's no such thing as sin of omission in this case. Unless you're into something criminal like sheep or kids of course.

If you're having to fake it that hard, consider getting out on your own away from those people and getting to somewhere where you can be yourself. If you have a problem of acquiring means and support to do so consider working on that instead because you aren't likely to change all the people around you. If you can't trust those 'friends' consider downgrading them to acquaintances and trying again with some new friends somewhere else.

It's not so much probing questions as the occasional "Are you gay?" from my mom. I answer "no," since bisexuality isn't the same as being gay. It's still uncomfortable, since I worry about more questions that are of the probing variety, but I usually manage to change the topic, or the topic changes on its own. Still, it annoys me a LOT that my parents seem to think being gay/lesbian is "the other sexuality" or "deviant". I actually did tell my mom THAT, at least, and she's stopped so far. (For the record, nope, I'm not into anything illegal.)

THANK YOU, though. I do not owe ANYONE any personal information unless I am COMFORTABLE giving it out. I am not above outright lying, but I try to avoid it if the situation allows - mainly via half-truths (see above...)

It's not as easy getting away. I'm only 16, turning 17 this month, so I can't just pack up and leave. I'm hoping things will get better in college, when I'll have my own space and be able to think. The same goes with friends. I like my friends, I do, but I just don't think I can share any of this with them right now. In college I'll definitely be more... open about my beliefs, since the people there would have no preconceived notions about what I should be versus what I am.

[Artemisia]

Konaa,

That must be very difficult. Sometimes even having an accepting family doesn't always make it easy, as per my situation. It does get better, but it's a long, painful road until it does.

[konaa]

It really isn't ironic. Its just some people find it easier to open up to people when they can't see their faces in real time. Just a odd facet of life.

While I am not telling you to see a therapist or whatever, it might be helpful because they can give you a idea of what you are going through and suggest ways to help.

I am also new to the forum, though I have lurked quite a bit in the past. So to one Newb to another, welcome!

I have thought of seeing a therapist, but I don't know. I have a feeling I wouldn't be able to open up to them, either.

Welcome!

[konaa]

Konaa,

That must be very difficult. Sometimes even having an accepting family doesn't always make it easy, as per my situation. It does get better, but it's a long, painful road until it does.

Usually I manage to get by, but sometimes I do feel hopeless. I'm hanging in there, though. And really, that's all I can say to anyone going through tough times. Hang in there. It will get better - even if you don't think so.

[NobodySpecial]

It really isn't ironic. Its just some people find it easier to open up to people when they can't see their faces in real time. Just a odd facet of life.

While I am not telling you to see a therapist or whatever, it might be helpful because they can give you a idea of what you are going through and suggest ways to help.

I am also new to the forum, though I have lurked quite a bit in the past. So to one Newb to another, welcome!

I have thought of seeing a therapist, but I don't know. I have a feeling I wouldn't be able to open up to them, either.

Welcome!

As a long time sufferer of these issues, let me say that you should at least try it. It's amazing how much better you'll feel with someone who isn't judgmental to talk to.

[Trefle]

A lot depends on so many factors, but the bulk of it seems to be centered around male sexuality. That's most days, but some days I end up being unable to even be around men without feeling disgust, hatred, and anger swell up, and I just with I could not have that happen.

I've never really thought that my life was all that special. Everyone tells me it was, though.

I wanted to add something to my previous post. I've been wondering if part of my problem is that the only time I'm happy and comfortable is when I'm around lesbian/female writers, writing, issues, etc, and that male-centered stuff makes me sad and uncomfortable because I feel like it reinforces my feelings of being an outsider.

So the issue is related to you still feeling -- or being an outsider? Hmm. Do you have a clear image of the worst you'll receive?
Sometimes understanding helps alleviating the fear, though I can't say whether this is the case..
Oh, again; each pain is personal. In a way, each of our lives are special by itself..And we're not putting those who faced more prejudice and disagreement and rejection than others yet. Those who had the tables turned against them.

Trefle and Artemisia - thanks for the kind words. Honestly, Trefle, I think you got it right with the self confidence bit. I have times where I just can't stand myself, and this morning was like that. I had therapy this afternoon and am feeling a bit better. I just have my own old damage that I've got to get over, which has a lot to do with why I assume people don't/won't like me. But it'll be cool. I don't think I'm much worse than just socially awkward in certain scenarios, but I've been needing to boost my confidence, certainly.

Good luck. building self confidence is a long, long campaign-- it needs continuous work.
Forgive yourself.
You can do it!

Trefle thanks for the kind thoughts, cliches and all About writing it down: yeah sometimes it's like a release valve, sometimes it amplifies the crazy if I reread it too much because you start going, "Wow this is really fucked up I deserve to have this giant chip on my shoulder."

Then you add to the burdens of others by being a douche and no one really deserves that. Yukking it up helps, laugh in the face of Death (I guess Pestilence in this case) and all that. Woo it's cliche a go-go!

Hahahaha, I know the feeling. Never know exactly about laughing in the face of Pestilence, though. Again, you're stronger than I am.
Of course, you can just write some down in a private journal / blog. I have one, and it helps-- containing my own brand of cray crayness. No judgment, just all observation. All confessions.

@konaa : welcome.
Each pain is personal, and all equally important. No need to keep it out!
That's a lot of thing happening. I'm sorry it had to happen. I hope you'll feel better soon.
Do cry, do let those feelings out in a safe way. It's no use keeping them. You're still a human if you do that. We have problems, all of us, and it can be something like yours, or something like mine, or something bigger, or something smaller. They are all problems still. but if you keep it bottled, THEN you're descending.
About expressing; I know how hard it is (I still haven't come out to my parents). My suggestion is to slowly, find allies; or at the very least people who won't actively reject you IRL. Being gay, much less bisexual, is like, the second alrightest thing ever lately (after being [insert race here]). ;P
I don't know your condition; acting might be useful in your situation. You were very right that it's tiring as hell, though. It's better that you find it tiring-- you still know what you feel. Keep it that way. It'd be better if you can decrease the amount of times you had to act-- or to stop acting entirely-- but again, it depended on your family situation.

And for the rest..
You were right. There will be waves made, risks taken, chances are you will be damaged somehow by what you will and won't say. By making a move.
However, who says staying won't make any wave?

Self diagnosing is necessary in this case, I think. At least for the first step. I also agree that finding a therapist is good

[Artemisia]

A lot depends on so many factors, but the bulk of it seems to be centered around male sexuality. That's most days, but some days I end up being unable to even be around men without feeling disgust, hatred, and anger swell up, and I just with I could not have that happen.

I've never really thought that my life was all that special. Everyone tells me it was, though.

I wanted to add something to my previous post. I've been wondering if part of my problem is that the only time I'm happy and comfortable is when I'm around lesbian/female writers, writing, issues, etc, and that male-centered stuff makes me sad and uncomfortable because I feel like it reinforces my feelings of being an outsider.

So the issue is related to you still feeling -- or being an outsider? Hmm. Do you have a clear image of the worst you'll receive?
Sometimes understanding helps alleviating the fear, though I can't say whether this is the case..
Oh, again; each pain is personal. In a way, each of our lives are special by itself..And we're not putting those who faced more prejudice and disagreement and rejection than others yet. Those who had the tables turned against them.

It's more complicated than that, really. I'm just not sure how in depth I'm willing to be. Growing up, boys and men were my primary tormenters. There was a lot of really nasty things that happened that I haven't even fully told my parents about. I've tried talking to therapists, but usually they just don't want to fully listen. They don't want to listen as I tell the stories that help me process. Men, even nice men, tend to make me feel worthless and dirty in person. There's only so long that I can shunt those feelings away as well. Almost everything with men seems to be damaging, destructive, painful, pain giving, and terrifying.

[Mr. Brightside]

I have thought of seeing a therapist, but I don't know. I have a feeling I wouldn't be able to open up to them, either.

...I really don't want to put this on me, but I'm reading a lot of things I might have said verbatim at your age, and it's scaring the hell out of me. Without going into detail, a vegan who compulsively sharpens a carving knife is not in a state you want to end up in, and on this end it absolutely will not ever get better. Inaction isn't going to help on your end, either - you've got to make it better yourself, and the "right time" to act will always, always be in the future, and sooner than you think there won't be much future left. It might be that you can't open up to a therapist, and believe me, they can fuck you up ten ways from Sunday, especially if you haven't worked out what you're there to say, but wanting to figure things out for yourself without self-diagnosing is a basically airtight catch-22. But just please, whatever you do... do something.

[Zanosuke Kurosaki]

I have thought of seeing a therapist, but I don't know. I have a feeling I wouldn't be able to open up to them, either.

Yowch. If you do, please. Please open up to them. It's what they're there for, for one thing. For another - I have to say, from personal experience, it can do you a world of good. When I was a teenager, I had a counselor and a psychiatrist. Guess which one actually did me more good. At least, the counselor was able to help when I wasn't in denial about or repressing whatever was actually bothering me. That's the other part of it, unfortunately. It won't do a lot of good unless you're first honest with yourself about what's wrong, what's not working for you. I wasn't very good at that part of it when I had that opportunity - consequently, I ended up wasting a good deal of everyone's time, half the time anyway, and ended up having to try to muddle my own way through figuring out what needed fixing inside myself, years later. I'm still working on some of it, to be honest. I advise taking the opportunity if you can*, because the chance to talk it out can really help a lot. Especially since none of us are exactly licensed or professionals, here. XD (Well, Tamar's an exception, but she's more of the "case study" branch of things if I'm recalling rightly at the moment.)

*It's up to you, though.