Artemisia wrote:A lot depends on so many factors, but the bulk of it seems to be centered around male sexuality. That's most days, but some days I end up being unable to even be around men without feeling disgust, hatred, and anger swell up, and I just with I could not have that happen.
I've never really thought that my life was all that special. Everyone tells me it was, though.
I wanted to add something to my previous post. I've been wondering if part of my problem is that the only time I'm happy and comfortable is when I'm around lesbian/female writers, writing, issues, etc, and that male-centered stuff makes me sad and uncomfortable because I feel like it reinforces my feelings of being an outsider.
So the issue is related to you still feeling -- or being an outsider? Hmm. Do you have a clear image of the worst you'll receive?
Sometimes understanding helps alleviating the fear, though I can't say whether this is the case..
Oh, again; each pain is personal. In a way, each of our lives are special by itself..And we're not putting those who faced more prejudice and disagreement and rejection than others yet. Those who had the tables turned against them.
Doc Harleen wrote:Trefle and Artemisia - thanks for the kind words. Honestly, Trefle, I think you got it right with the self confidence bit. I have times where I just can't stand myself, and this morning was like that. I had therapy this afternoon and am feeling a bit better. I just have my own old damage that I've got to get over, which has a lot to do with why I assume people don't/won't like me. But it'll be cool. I don't think I'm much worse than just socially awkward in certain scenarios, but I've been needing to boost my confidence, certainly.
building self confidence is a long, long campaign-- it needs continuous work.
You can do it!
Trefle thanks for the kind thoughts, cliches and all
About writing it down: yeah sometimes it's like a release valve, sometimes it amplifies the crazy if I reread it too much because you start going, "Wow this is really fucked up I deserve to have this giant chip on my shoulder."
Then you add to the burdens of others by being a douche and no one really deserves that. Yukking it up helps, laugh in the face of Death (I guess Pestilence in this case) and all that. Woo it's cliche a go-go!
Hahahaha, I know the feeling. Never know exactly about laughing in the face of Pestilence, though. Again, you're stronger than I am.
Of course, you can just write some down in a private journal / blog. I have one, and it helps-- containing my own brand of cray crayness. No judgment, just all observation. All confessions.
@konaa : welcome.
Each pain is personal, and all equally important. No need to keep it out!
That's a lot of thing happening. I'm sorry it had to happen. I hope you'll feel better soon.
Do cry, do let those feelings out in a safe way. It's no use keeping them. You're still a human if you do that. We have problems, all of us, and it can be something like yours, or something like mine, or something bigger, or something smaller. They are all problems still. but if you keep it bottled, THEN you're descending.
About expressing; I know how hard it is (I still haven't come out to my parents). My suggestion is to slowly, find allies; or at the very least people who won't actively reject you IRL. Being gay, much less bisexual, is like, the second alrightest thing ever lately (after being [insert race here]). ;P
I don't know your condition; acting might be useful in your situation. You were very right that it's tiring as hell, though. It's better that you find it tiring-- you still know what you feel. Keep it that way. It'd be better if you can decrease the amount of times you had to act-- or to stop acting entirely-- but again, it depended on your family situation.
And for the rest..
You were right. There will be waves made, risks taken, chances are you will be damaged somehow by what you will and won't say. By making a move.
However, who says staying won't make any wave?
Self diagnosing is necessary in this case, I think. At least for the first step. I also agree that finding a therapist is good